This is my space, sometimes it may be funny, sometimes it might be sad, sometimes you might wonder just what planet I'm from, but it will always be honest and it will always be me. Come on in and sit with me a while.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Black Holes Part Two

I know it's been a while since my last post. I'm a slacker 'cause that's what happens when you're in a hole......

Last we left off I was telling you about the 'difficulties' the BaldMan and I were having. After the second go round of the Lupron, things just were not getting any better. I was still achy, irritable, bloated and pretty much miserable. So, back to the doc we go. We decided to try another surgery - pretty much the same type as before. I just knew that this time it was going to work. I just knew that I wasn't going to hurt anymore and I was going to be a Mommy! With my heart full of hope and visions of babies in my head, I was wheeled off to the OR yet again. I woke up in the recovery room so excited that this was going to be all over that I tried to get out of bed while I was still hooked up to the IV! That evening the doc told me what he had done while I was in the OR. Since he was working on me anyway, they went ahead and checked my fallopian tubes to see if there was a blockage that was preventing us from becoming pregnant. You guessed it, both tubes were blocked. They shot dye through them both in an attempt to 'dislodge' the blockage. The blockage was basically 'clumps' of the endo that had adhered from one end to the other of both tubes. The dye was successful and it wasn't. My right tube was completely blocked - the dye couldn't penetrtate the block. The left tube was the 'success' story. After the dye went through the left one it was unblocked a bit. The bad news was it was only about 20% unblocked. That meant that 80% of my one 'good' tube was still blocked by the endo. I was heartbroken. Once I heard this, I knew in my heart of hearts that I was not going to become the one thing that I had always wanted to be.

I tried to stay positive, to keep a brave face but some days that was just impossible. Not only was my heart broken but I was still having the same pain, cramps, bleeding, irritability, mood swings and the rest. Everyone around me seemed to be going on with their daily lives but I couldn't. Sure, I gave the impression that I was ok but, inside I was dying a little more every day. Sometimes I think I could win an Oscar with my acting ability. I've been a very good actress for a very long time but, that's another story for another day - maybe. I would try to initiate 'things' with the BaldMan with no luck. He was still afraid that he was hurting me when we were together. As a result, he didn't want to be with me. He was trying to protect me in his own way I guess. He thought that he was helping by not adding to the constant cramping and aching that I was feeling. This only made me feel worse because even though I was in pain the few times I could convince him to be with me, I wanted the closeness that I felt when we were together. No, cancel that I NEEDED the closeness, I NEEDED that emotional connection. To me it wasn't a physical need that was being satisfied, it was my soul, my heart needing to feel him, needing to be as close to him as I could possibly get. So, on top of the physical pain I was in, my heart was hurting because of the lack of closeness with the BaldMan which in turn made my whole situation even worse for me. Here I was not able to realize my dream, not able to convince my husband to love me and of course, there was the constant cramping.

Fast forward to December of 2004. I went to the doc yet again because my symptoms were becoming worse. The cramping, the aching everything was becoming more frequent and much more intense. Some days I was so medicated with Vicodin and Darvocet I wonder how I made it to work. It got so bad that at one point the doc told me that I could take the Darvocet as needed while I was at work and the Vicodin as needed while I was at home. Please understand that I am VERY sensitive to medication. One Tylenol PM and I was out for 12-14 hours. One pain pill was more than enough to make me 'feel no pain'. So, when I was taking 2 or 3 Darvocet and 1 or 2 Vicodin EVERY day without relief I knew we had to find something else. My answer came in the form of another visit with the doc. He told me that we could keep things the way they were, and see what other meds we could try to manage my symptoms or we could schedule a hysterectomy.

That's enough for now...I need a break. I'll try to update sooner next time.


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