This is my space, sometimes it may be funny, sometimes it might be sad, sometimes you might wonder just what planet I'm from, but it will always be honest and it will always be me. Come on in and sit with me a while.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Black Holes

I feel like I'm in one.....I can't explain how this feels. If you've ever been in one yourself, you'd know exactly what I'm talking about. I guess I should give some background on this. This one may end up being a two-parter.

**WARNING** This next section is not for the squeamish so, I won't mind if you skip over it.

I had always had horrendous periods. Complete with "just kill me now" cramping, passing clots the size of small animals (this is not an exaggeration, I promise), not knowing when the next visit from Aunt Flo was coming, ruining all of my underwear and a few pairs of pants along the way, bleeding through every pad and tampon known to man. Somedays I'd be wearing BOTH a tampon and the pad and STILL soak through. Finally, when I was in high school I started taking birth control pills for this. The only thing these pills did was 'tell' me when the next crimson tide was coming. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED knowing when it was coming but, the pills did nothing else to make things any lighter if you know what I mean. I was so bad that I even had to go to the hospital once or twice. Imagine going through registration at the ER in Hicksville USA and explaining to the male nurse that you had 'cramps'. Needless to say, that was an experience my 19 year old self did NOT want to repeat. They had told me that I had endometriosis ( where pieces of the uterine lining attatch themselves to your insides - they can attatch to your fallopian tubes, your bowel, intestines, just anywhere inside and it is quite painful) and that the 'best way' to 'cure' ( there is no cure) it would be to have a baby. Even though I had always dreamed of being a Mommy ( I was the only child who you would ask 'What do you want to be when you grow up? And I would answer 'A mommy'. Seriously, being a mommy was the only career option that I had ever thought of), at this point in my life, that was not an option. After all, I was still in school, living with my parents but most of all, I wasn't even dating anyone.
Fast forward to 2001....all this time I had still been suffering with the same symptoms - with no relief except knowing when it was going to happen. Man, I LOVED those birth control pills. This is the year the BaldMan and I got married. I thought, I could FINALLY get pregnant and get rid of these awful periods. I threw the pills out on our honeymoon! We tried and tried for about 8 months with no success. Keep in mind, without my Pills, I had no idea when the Red Tide was coming. I was achey and crampy 3 out of 4 weeks every month. My heating pad became my best friend. And when those 'portable' one came out, I was ecstatic! We finally went to the doc who again said that I had endometriosis and this time, he suggested injections of a drug called Lupron Depot. This was a drug that would put me in a sort of temporary menopausal state. Supposedly, this would help slow down the the process of the little pieces of uterine lining being produced and attatching themselves to my insides. I did some research on line about the drug before I agreed to this. There were some serious (to me anyway) side effects including weight gain ( which I definitely did NOT need), hair loss, hair growing in weird places, a lowering of the voice. I thought that I could deal with those things so, I went ahead and had the injections. One every month for 6 months. The injections were only successful in that they stopped me from actually having a period every month. I still had the bloating, PMS and the major cramping. So, the doc suggested a minor surgery. This surgery he said, would 'burn off' the endometrial 'blisters' from my insides, making it easier for me to conceive. After discussing this with the BaldMan, we decided to go ahead and have the surgery. I went into surgery hoping that this would be my answer. That this would 'fix' me. The surgery went well. I was feeling like myself again for a long while. Then, once my periods came back, they were just as bad as they had been before. Back to the doc we went because it had been almost 2 years that we had been trying and we still weren't pregnant. At that time the doc did a vaginal ultrasound and let me tell you if you've never seen one of those wands - boy oh boy! I looked at that doctor and said "You're putting THAT in WHERE?" This thing for those of you who don't know is about 18 inches long and is shaped like a really really long....well, let's just say it's quite phallic. After the ultra sound, the doc said that he couldn't see any cysts or anything wrong in that vein, so we started the Lurpon injections again (endometriosis isn't visible on an ultrasound). The side effects came back....I gained about 20 pounds ( that I STILL can't get rid of), I had 'whiskers' growing on my chin. It was awful. But if it was what I had to do to be a Mommy, it was what I was going to do. After another 6 months on the Lupron, I began to feel better. After waiting a month to make sure that it was ok, we started trying for a baby again. Still no luck, still having terrible pain every time we tried. This not only frustrated me but it also frustrated the BaldMan. It got to the point where he would not want to be with me because he was afraid that he was hurting me. Granted, I didn't know this at the time, I thought it was me. I thought that I was doing something to make him not want me anymore. I fell into the first of my many Black Holes.

This is all I can handle for now. I'll write more in a day or two.


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