This is my space, sometimes it may be funny, sometimes it might be sad, sometimes you might wonder just what planet I'm from, but it will always be honest and it will always be me. Come on in and sit with me a while.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Lookitt! I'm a Follower......

Due to the overwhelming popularity of doing a google search with "Your name here" Needs..... I too, have succumbed. This is what I found.

1.Jenny needs to find herself a baller ( duh!)
2.Jenny needs to see herself as a good reader ( I thought I was)
3.Jenny needs to build up her modest pool of background knowledge (says who?)
4.jenny needs to demonstrate more self control (don't we all?)
5. Jenny needs your support ( of course I do)
6. Jenny Needs Space! ( yes, and lots of it)
7.How many inches of wooden strip does Jenny need? ( see #1)
8.Jenny needs her flat keys back ( I'm also missing a trombone and a potholder)
9.Jenny needs to have two 45–60-minute runs every day, as well as two or three 20–30 minute walks. (egad! That's a lot of walkin')
10.Jenny may need to consider making some selective changes to her budget. ( sad, but so very true)

Monday, November 07, 2005

Me Too!

Ok, so I messed up and I've been 'saying' Me Too for a few days now. The truth is, I started an entry while at work and I never finished it so, that's why this has been here so long.

On to the real post though.....

I think I left off at the point in the story where we had decided on a hysterectomy. That was one of the hardest if not THE hardest decision I'd ever made. Like I said, my wish was to be a mommy. That was the one and only thing that I had ever wanted. The BaldMan and I went back and forth and back and forth before we made the decision. My heart was breaking but I knew that in the end this was the best thing for me. I called the doctor and let him know that we had decided to go ahead with the surgery. My surgery was scheduled for February 14. Yep, Valentine's Day. Yay me!
The morning of the surgery, my parents and the BaldMan were there with me. A good friend of ours is a surgical nurse at the hospital where my surgery was scheduled and she even came by to 'wish me luck'. I did make sure that the doctor knew that I wanted pictures of everything he took out. Yeah, I know that's kind of weird but, I wanted to see what had been making me miserable. I also wanted to be able to 'say goodbye'. The last thing I remember before going to sleep is the BaldMan kissing me and telling the nurses about my tattoo. (It's on my right hip...a pear - of course wearing a tiara)

When I woke up, my room was full of people. The BaldMan, my parents, my in-laws, my grandparents - even my some of my neighbors were there! I had no idea how popular I was. I was apparently pretty entertaining as well. I woke up singing and offering to et waffles for everyone. Why waffles? Why not? Everything had gone well with the surgery. Turns out that in addition to the endo that was covering my insides, there was also a bleeding cyst on my right ovary that couldn't be seen on any of the ultra sounds that we had done. The doc said that my insides looked as though someone had 'taken a baseball bat' to them and that it was actually a good thing that I had the surgery when I did. Recovery was pretty uneventful for the most part. Oh, did I mention the tape??? The doc knew that I was allergic to latex so, he made sure not to use any during the surgery but, we didn't know about the tape they used to cover my incision. Due to my allergy, the doc thought that I might also have a sensitivity to tape. He used several different kinds, paper, silk, and vinyl I think. Guess what happened then???? My second day after the surgery, I noticed that the area of my belly where my bandages were were kind of sore - like a sunburn. I asked the nurse to check them and lo and behold, I was covered with blisters. I was allergic to the tape! All of the tape wherever it had contact with my skin, there were red angry blisters. This led to the doc removing the bandages early and keeping me in bed as much as possible. We went home the next day and the blisters were even worse. The BaldMan called the doc who wanted us in his office as soon as possible. We got there and the all of the blisters had burst. Keep in mind that I didn't have anything covering my incision - just the stitches holding me together. Due to the allergic reaction I was having, the doc didn't think the stitches would hold. So he took them out, right there in his office. That was the most awful pain I had ever felt. I can't even begin to describe it. Let me just say that everyone in the office knew I was there that day! Since I couldn't have tape to 'hold' me together, and the stitches are a temporary thing, the doc decided that I would have to heal from the inside out as opposed to the outside in like most people. At first I wasn't sure what this would mean. Then the doc explained that my incision would be open and that the BaldMan would have to clean it and pack it with guaze 3 times a day. Needless to say, I was scared to death. the BaldMan can't handle changing a bandaid let alone changing wound packing and cleaning it 3 times a day. The doc showed BaldMan what to do and I really thought he or I or even the both of us were going to pass out.
As it turns out, the wound care was MUCH easier than we had anticipated. It just made my recovery that much slower. Instead of being out for 6 weeks like lots of people, I was out for 12 weeks which was ok by me. Like all new things, the first time was the worst but it got easier every time.
I went back to work and it was almost like I'd never left! I still have days where I get very very tired and from what I hear, that's pretty normal for the first 12-18 months after something like that. I'm currently not on hormone therapy or anything and so far, I'm doing well with that. All in all I'd say that even though it broke my heart and caused me to re-think ways to reach my dream, having this surgery was good for me.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Black Holes Part Two

I know it's been a while since my last post. I'm a slacker 'cause that's what happens when you're in a hole......

Last we left off I was telling you about the 'difficulties' the BaldMan and I were having. After the second go round of the Lupron, things just were not getting any better. I was still achy, irritable, bloated and pretty much miserable. So, back to the doc we go. We decided to try another surgery - pretty much the same type as before. I just knew that this time it was going to work. I just knew that I wasn't going to hurt anymore and I was going to be a Mommy! With my heart full of hope and visions of babies in my head, I was wheeled off to the OR yet again. I woke up in the recovery room so excited that this was going to be all over that I tried to get out of bed while I was still hooked up to the IV! That evening the doc told me what he had done while I was in the OR. Since he was working on me anyway, they went ahead and checked my fallopian tubes to see if there was a blockage that was preventing us from becoming pregnant. You guessed it, both tubes were blocked. They shot dye through them both in an attempt to 'dislodge' the blockage. The blockage was basically 'clumps' of the endo that had adhered from one end to the other of both tubes. The dye was successful and it wasn't. My right tube was completely blocked - the dye couldn't penetrtate the block. The left tube was the 'success' story. After the dye went through the left one it was unblocked a bit. The bad news was it was only about 20% unblocked. That meant that 80% of my one 'good' tube was still blocked by the endo. I was heartbroken. Once I heard this, I knew in my heart of hearts that I was not going to become the one thing that I had always wanted to be.

I tried to stay positive, to keep a brave face but some days that was just impossible. Not only was my heart broken but I was still having the same pain, cramps, bleeding, irritability, mood swings and the rest. Everyone around me seemed to be going on with their daily lives but I couldn't. Sure, I gave the impression that I was ok but, inside I was dying a little more every day. Sometimes I think I could win an Oscar with my acting ability. I've been a very good actress for a very long time but, that's another story for another day - maybe. I would try to initiate 'things' with the BaldMan with no luck. He was still afraid that he was hurting me when we were together. As a result, he didn't want to be with me. He was trying to protect me in his own way I guess. He thought that he was helping by not adding to the constant cramping and aching that I was feeling. This only made me feel worse because even though I was in pain the few times I could convince him to be with me, I wanted the closeness that I felt when we were together. No, cancel that I NEEDED the closeness, I NEEDED that emotional connection. To me it wasn't a physical need that was being satisfied, it was my soul, my heart needing to feel him, needing to be as close to him as I could possibly get. So, on top of the physical pain I was in, my heart was hurting because of the lack of closeness with the BaldMan which in turn made my whole situation even worse for me. Here I was not able to realize my dream, not able to convince my husband to love me and of course, there was the constant cramping.

Fast forward to December of 2004. I went to the doc yet again because my symptoms were becoming worse. The cramping, the aching everything was becoming more frequent and much more intense. Some days I was so medicated with Vicodin and Darvocet I wonder how I made it to work. It got so bad that at one point the doc told me that I could take the Darvocet as needed while I was at work and the Vicodin as needed while I was at home. Please understand that I am VERY sensitive to medication. One Tylenol PM and I was out for 12-14 hours. One pain pill was more than enough to make me 'feel no pain'. So, when I was taking 2 or 3 Darvocet and 1 or 2 Vicodin EVERY day without relief I knew we had to find something else. My answer came in the form of another visit with the doc. He told me that we could keep things the way they were, and see what other meds we could try to manage my symptoms or we could schedule a hysterectomy.

That's enough for now...I need a break. I'll try to update sooner next time.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Black Holes

I feel like I'm in one.....I can't explain how this feels. If you've ever been in one yourself, you'd know exactly what I'm talking about. I guess I should give some background on this. This one may end up being a two-parter.

**WARNING** This next section is not for the squeamish so, I won't mind if you skip over it.

I had always had horrendous periods. Complete with "just kill me now" cramping, passing clots the size of small animals (this is not an exaggeration, I promise), not knowing when the next visit from Aunt Flo was coming, ruining all of my underwear and a few pairs of pants along the way, bleeding through every pad and tampon known to man. Somedays I'd be wearing BOTH a tampon and the pad and STILL soak through. Finally, when I was in high school I started taking birth control pills for this. The only thing these pills did was 'tell' me when the next crimson tide was coming. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED knowing when it was coming but, the pills did nothing else to make things any lighter if you know what I mean. I was so bad that I even had to go to the hospital once or twice. Imagine going through registration at the ER in Hicksville USA and explaining to the male nurse that you had 'cramps'. Needless to say, that was an experience my 19 year old self did NOT want to repeat. They had told me that I had endometriosis ( where pieces of the uterine lining attatch themselves to your insides - they can attatch to your fallopian tubes, your bowel, intestines, just anywhere inside and it is quite painful) and that the 'best way' to 'cure' ( there is no cure) it would be to have a baby. Even though I had always dreamed of being a Mommy ( I was the only child who you would ask 'What do you want to be when you grow up? And I would answer 'A mommy'. Seriously, being a mommy was the only career option that I had ever thought of), at this point in my life, that was not an option. After all, I was still in school, living with my parents but most of all, I wasn't even dating anyone.
Fast forward to 2001....all this time I had still been suffering with the same symptoms - with no relief except knowing when it was going to happen. Man, I LOVED those birth control pills. This is the year the BaldMan and I got married. I thought, I could FINALLY get pregnant and get rid of these awful periods. I threw the pills out on our honeymoon! We tried and tried for about 8 months with no success. Keep in mind, without my Pills, I had no idea when the Red Tide was coming. I was achey and crampy 3 out of 4 weeks every month. My heating pad became my best friend. And when those 'portable' one came out, I was ecstatic! We finally went to the doc who again said that I had endometriosis and this time, he suggested injections of a drug called Lupron Depot. This was a drug that would put me in a sort of temporary menopausal state. Supposedly, this would help slow down the the process of the little pieces of uterine lining being produced and attatching themselves to my insides. I did some research on line about the drug before I agreed to this. There were some serious (to me anyway) side effects including weight gain ( which I definitely did NOT need), hair loss, hair growing in weird places, a lowering of the voice. I thought that I could deal with those things so, I went ahead and had the injections. One every month for 6 months. The injections were only successful in that they stopped me from actually having a period every month. I still had the bloating, PMS and the major cramping. So, the doc suggested a minor surgery. This surgery he said, would 'burn off' the endometrial 'blisters' from my insides, making it easier for me to conceive. After discussing this with the BaldMan, we decided to go ahead and have the surgery. I went into surgery hoping that this would be my answer. That this would 'fix' me. The surgery went well. I was feeling like myself again for a long while. Then, once my periods came back, they were just as bad as they had been before. Back to the doc we went because it had been almost 2 years that we had been trying and we still weren't pregnant. At that time the doc did a vaginal ultrasound and let me tell you if you've never seen one of those wands - boy oh boy! I looked at that doctor and said "You're putting THAT in WHERE?" This thing for those of you who don't know is about 18 inches long and is shaped like a really really long....well, let's just say it's quite phallic. After the ultra sound, the doc said that he couldn't see any cysts or anything wrong in that vein, so we started the Lurpon injections again (endometriosis isn't visible on an ultrasound). The side effects came back....I gained about 20 pounds ( that I STILL can't get rid of), I had 'whiskers' growing on my chin. It was awful. But if it was what I had to do to be a Mommy, it was what I was going to do. After another 6 months on the Lupron, I began to feel better. After waiting a month to make sure that it was ok, we started trying for a baby again. Still no luck, still having terrible pain every time we tried. This not only frustrated me but it also frustrated the BaldMan. It got to the point where he would not want to be with me because he was afraid that he was hurting me. Granted, I didn't know this at the time, I thought it was me. I thought that I was doing something to make him not want me anymore. I fell into the first of my many Black Holes.

This is all I can handle for now. I'll write more in a day or two.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Look - another list

I am a great lover of the list. I like them. They're easy to read, easy to write. You can use your own personal version of shorthand, you can make them long and drawn out. You can use a special note pad for the list, you can use the back of an old envelope, you can even use that old candy wrapper floating around in the bottom of your purse. So, here goes....a list of 3's ( started by #3GA .....)

3 Names you go by
  • Miss Thang
  • Millie
  • Baby

3 Screen Names You Have Had /Do Have

  • OneFineQueen
  • Imfines ( my maiden name is Fines)
  • You know the one

3 Things I Like About Myself

  • My sense of humor - I think I'm one of the funniest people I know
  • My feet, toes - they're cute. I'll show ya if you wanna see
  • My heart - it may not always be in one piece but, it usually shows me the way

3 Things I Don't Like About Myself

  • I worry too much about what other people think of me
  • My thighs ( does that count as 2?)
  • That I can't control my diabetes

3 Things That Scare Me

  • Those car carrier truck things. You know the ones that carry 42 cars on them and drive down the highway with the rear car just bouncing along like it's going to fall off any minute and come careening down the highway and smash into you? Yeah, those.
  • Did I mention clowns?

3 Everyday Essentials

  • Laughter
  • Hugs and Kisses from the BaldMan and Mollie
  • Talking to Mom

3 Things I'm Wearing Right Now

  • Toe rings on each foot
  • A pair of old Nike Shorts
  • One of the BaldMan's old t-shirts

3 Favorite Musical Artists

  • James Taylor
  • Allison Krauss
  • Nickel Creek

3 Favorite Songs

  • Amazing Grace
  • In Your Eyes
  • All I Need To Know

2 Truths, 1 Lie ( in no particular order)

  • I can stand on my head for 10 minutes
  • Reading is one of my favorite things to do - even though I don't have as much time to do it as I used to
  • I like to clean my house - really.

3 Physical Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex

  • Hands - Hands that look like they can work hard all day but still be gentle and soft when they touch me
  • Eyes
  • Smile

3 Favorite Hobbies

  • Shopping with Miss Thang ( does shopping count?)
  • Reading
  • Cooking -I love to cook. I'm actually pretty good.

3 Places To Go On Vacation

  • Disney World
  • Switzerland
  • Key West

3 Things I Just Can't Do

  • eat peas or any kind of bean - under any circumstances
  • Have 'nekkid' toes
  • reach the cabinet over my stove

3 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

  • Make sure that I tell my family how much I love them
  • See the Pyramids
  • Be a mommy

3 Things To Try In Next 12 Months

  • Country Line Dancing
  • Harder
  • A new job

3 Things I want to Do Real Bad Right Now

  • Be a Mommy
  • Sit on my deck (still in the very beginning phase)
  • Have someone fix my dinner

There you have it....another list. What's on yours?

Sunday, May 15, 2005

The 'Deck'

We are finally going to build the deck that I've been wanting since we moved in 3 1/2 years ago. Woohoo!! Y'all have no idea how this excites me. We live in a relatively new neighborhood, smallish yards, lots of the 'same' going on. The deck would be my way of adding my own 'something' to all of the 'same' going on around here. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to paint it bright orange with pink polka dots ( although I DO think that would be fun). I just want a place to go to hang out where I can look at the pond across the road, curl up in my swing with a good book or the BaldMan (wink wink, nudge nudge), play with my MollieMae, and have a cocktail or three with my girls .

Little did I know at the start of this adventure what a long drawn out ordeal it was going to be. First, the BaldMan and I had to decide on size. Well, as you know men and women often disagree on size. Eight inches can sometimes look an awful lot like five, ya know? (Speaking of that...Why do men people tell women people about sizes? Do they think we will just be so in awe of them and so distracted that we won't notice the three inch difference??? Do they think we will love them more, the longer they are? Do they not realize it's what they do with what they have that gets things rockin'?) Anywho, I went off on a tangent - so sorry. Once we agreed on the size, the next thing was the shape. I just wanted a simple deck. Like I said, someplace to go to relax and have a cocktail or twelve. The BaldMan wanted to get ambitious. He wanted to have it 'curve' around the side of the house. I just wanted a plain, simple deck. Nothing fancy for this girl - I'm good with plain and simple as far as my decks go. The BaldMan tried to convince me that a 'little curve' wouldn't hurt anything. I remain unconvinced. Plain, simple, straightforward is the way to go. Then we got on the subject of materials. Should we use the vinyl composite material which is supposed to be more durable, and last longer and comes in several not found in nature colors or should we go with the more traditional wood? The BaldMan thought the vinyl would be a good choice as it was long lasting and durable. I, on the other hand voted for wood. I mean, you just can't go wrong with wood. It's what people have been using for years. It's just as durable if taken proper care of. It's just as long lasting if you know what you're doing. Then we started talking about the landscaping around the deck. I again voted for something simple. I wanted to keep the grass and the bushes around the deck neatly trimmed and short. He, on the other hand wanted something wild and free form going on back there. His position was "it's my yard, I can keep it how I want it". My position on that was " I have to look at it, I'd like it to look nice - I mean you CAN see it from the road." Needless to say, we haven't made much headway on that issue.
I see a nice, sturdy, simply shaped, well taken care of wood deck in my future. It's gonna be a good summer.

Friday, April 29, 2005

I'm a Numb3r too

No, that wasn't a typo...I meant it. I have been officially invited to become 1/9th. I have accepted the invitation with open arms. This does mean that the silliness factor around here will likely increase exponentially. (Mayhap by 9??) But, if you know anything at all about me, you know I'm all about the silly.

The Numb3rs are some of the best girls I could ever hope to know. Let me tell you about them.
First there are the 3's. There is #3GA, aka Allie. She is the go to girl for lipgloss, nail polish and a good laugh when you need one. Then there is #3KY, aka Lola. I love this girl more than fried cheese with chocolate gravy. Yes, I love her THAT much. And finally there is #3TX/SC, aka Christel. That girl knows all there is to know about coffee and then some. She is also fascinated that I have never said the "F word". Ever. Never.
We also have #4WV, aka Dande. This numb3r lives in WestByGod Virginia. Dande has two of the most precious chirren you will ever want to eat with a spoon. And oh yeah, she is waaaay funny.
Last but most definitely NOT least we have #5IN aka Tasty, aka Maude ( we gave each other old lady names on one of our road trips, I think it was on our way to see the BossCoif, none other than Miss ShannonRose her veraownself). Tasty is the reason I've had the pleasure of meeting these wondermous, strong, intelligent, fascinating, beautiful, fantastic, fabulous, funny women. Tasty is one of the best, mostest most girly girlfriend that I could ever have. She has been my road trip buddy, my shoulder to cry on when I needed one, my drinking buddy, my voice of reason, my partner in silly, but most of all she's been one of my best friends ever.

I know that I'm not the only one in the 'Fraction Faction' of the Numb3rs but right now I feel like #1 to be a part of these girls' lives.

Ima need to hug each and every one of you real soon.